the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
