you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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