i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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