It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Randomize
