best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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