i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize