apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
