dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
