No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
