Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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