During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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