I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
