well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't deserve a penis
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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