Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
