Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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