I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
