Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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