wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
