I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
