Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
FUCK WHALES
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
