We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
