I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
