Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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