Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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