There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
