Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
