i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
