My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Will exercising make me less horny?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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