the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
This house was built for laser tag.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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