If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
