I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We need a shit load of segways right now
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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