I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
