dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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