I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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