I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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