I can text with my tongue
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
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