Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
