get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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