I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
