girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
