im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
