i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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