im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
