my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
