1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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