Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Everything about him screamed your future.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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