Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
