you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
