i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
