Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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