I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
