So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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