He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
