walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
