He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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