My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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