hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
