I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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